Motel Situations Vacant

"Have-youse-fullas-gotta-job?"

Last week we advertised in the Situations Vacant section of our local newspaper for a couple of job positions that had become available at our motel. We have been running on low staff numbers for many weeks and I must admit I have been putting off going through the rigmarole of looking for replacement staff.

In our Situations Vacant ads we used to have applicants respond to a box number and go through a process of shortlisting suitable applicants for an interview from written replies. We found that this worked very well for many years however the amount of applications started declining rapidly with some of our later ads using this method drawing a blank. We finally determined that writing a response to a situations vacant ad had suddenly become too hard.

We then decided to include our telephone number in our ad and this increased the response rate dramatically, however the quality of the applicants plummeted. We had made it too easy for anyone that had half an inkling that they might, could or should get a job on that particular day, pick up a phone and attempt to communicate with us. Some of the more savvy applicants even looked up our toll free number so that they didn't jeopardise their txt plan on their pre-pay cell phones. We soon realised, after spending a lot of time aimlessly chatting to unsuitable applicants that we needed to change our strategy again. 

So...in our current ads, we now request that all job applicants call-in to our motel reception between a certain time-frame to pick-up an application form. This seems to have worked for us. However...

From the conduct of last week's applicants we have drawn up a few things for potential job seekers to keep in mind when turning up to meet with a potential employer:

• Make sure that the day that you wash is the same day you front up.
  
• Your array of tattoos may look really cool to your friends and family, but a potential employer may not be quite as impressed.
• Gumboots or thigh-high ugg boots are not necessarily the best footwear to turn up in.
• "Hooker" is not the look most employers are impressed by unless the job is for ... a hooker. 
• Do not wear an iPod, wrap-around sunnies, the hood of your your hoodie up or listen to some choice sounds via the speakers on your cell phone.
• Do not drive right up to the doorway in a tricked-out Subaru, with a cool bass soundtrack blaring accompanied with five of your best mates.
• Do not stand at the reception doorway and try to communicate while flicking your cigarette ash outside. 
• Try not to chew gum and please try to restrain from the temptation of txting your important thoughts of the moment.
  
• Blow your nose just before turning up to avoid the effort of constant sniffing.
  
• Try to practice stringing several sentences together that involves a clear greeting, brief introduction and make sure that you slip in those quaint old phrases like "please" and "thank you". "Have-youse-fullas-gotta-job?" does not constitute acceptable communication. 
  
• ... and never ask for a job application form for some of your mates that couldn't be arsed fronting up.